Motivation? Can't be asked...

So I haven't touched this blog in over a year. Story of my life...something grabs my attention, I become obsessed with it for a little while and then - well nothing. I just drop it and move on to something else. Just like a little kid that skips from toy to toy until the box is empty and then leaves the mess on the floor to see whether there are any more toys in the garage. But why is this?

Its the same with self care. Take the gym for example. I keep on rejoining and always pay my dues but when it comes to actually going there and making use of my expensive membership I just can't do it. I keep telling myself I ought to go, that I will enjoy it once I'm there and that it will be worth it in the end when I can squeeze back into my skinny jeans without feeling and looking like an overcooked Bratwurst but then something else comes up (or I make it up) and before I know it its too late to go or I find another excuse. I just can't find the motivation to stick with anything!!

So how do you overcome that inner "schweinehund", that lazy ass that just wants to hang around and do nothing at all? I haven't got a clue! I tried writing lists. I wrote everything down that needed doing and proceeded to cross the items off as I completed them...that lasts about two days and then I conviniently ignore the list as well. I tend to be able to do the things that really need doing to keep the house alfoat, to keep everyone else happy, like grocery shopping, cooking and the absolute minimum amount of cleaning but when it comes to things I should be doing for myself I just stall. There's a hundered million things I "would like to do" given the time but then when I have the time available to do them I just can't move my bum. I freeze. I just sit around waisting time away by watching stupid telly or surfing the net. And then I proceed to beating myself up over all the things I should be doing but don't.

I could really do with some help here...

Little rant about Small talk

I hate small talk! No, really - I absolutely hate it! What is the point in talking to somebody about bullocks? Talking to somebody who you really don't want to talk to because you (obviously!) have nothing of interest to say to them? I don't understand it. Some people just make conversation for the sake of it, it seems. They start asking you random question and then when you start answering the have already turned off, ready to hassle the next person in line. They are not "really" interested in what you did over the weekend or what you had for dinner last night - they just want to catch your attention for a split-second to ensure that they still exist. And in the process they have distracted you from what you were focusing on, interrupted your trail of thought and further deepened the general fragmentation of your brain.

Its the same for random text messages and emails and phone calls - they drive me mad! This whole obligation business about staying in touch no matter what just because you "can". What is the point? Are we really that bored? I mean, if you have a "real" question or need some important information then by all means, go ahead and ask, text, email, phone, whatever...but if you really couldn't care less about what I'm up to or have no interest whatsoever in getting together then don't say "we really need to meet up soon" or "are you up to anything this weekend?". Its a complete waste of time and its annoying!

Besides, what if I were to take you serious? What if I really did want to get together because I genuinely like you or because I'm lonely? Then what?
How are you going to get out of that one? Would you still oblige? And what if I'm under the weather when you approach me? What if I were to answer honestly and start telling you about my problems and ask you about advise?
Wish you didn't ask?

Well, why did you then?

Thought energy and the magic faraway tree

Have you ever tried to observe a thought? Stood outside of it while thinking it and observed how it is charged with energy that seems to highjack us as soon as it anchors itself in our frontal lobes?

Up until today I thoughts mood swings are outside our control, determined by chemical and hormonal imbalances and the general state of our mental health. Something we just have to live with. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the weather. Over time, I have slowly began to accept those waves and can swim through them in almost bored anticipation of the next. Yet while dodging another wave of emotion in between loading the washer and cooking dinner a question appeared in the back of my mind: Could it be the randomness of my thoughts that is causing this randomness of moods? I had to find out.

As soon as the next random thought popped into my head I pounced on it. I was right. The thought was full of energy. Like a virus it had a payload attached to it which my mind began to download as soon as the thought took hold in the forefront of my awareness. The payload then got executed like a program, playing once or in a loop, depending on my will to shift my focus. Once I realised what I was looking at I decided I wasn't interested and pressed the stop button.

And the emotions vanished.

How do we end up with random thoughts in the first place? In my case I guess its a mixture of boredom, lack of focus and self absorbence. For example, as soon as somebody is not acting in the way I want them to my imagination goes into overdrive. Instead of accepting that I'm not the centre of everybody's Universe at every given moment I worry about it. I obsess about the smallest gestures and remarks. Have I said something wrong? Doesn't he/she like me? Is it all over? Do I smell? The payload of these kind of thoughts is obvious.

So what has all this to do with the Magic Faraway Tree? Its the result of yet another random thought session. Once I made my observations I noticed how much these thoughts reminded me of the countries on top of the Faraway Tree. If you haven't ready the story, those magical, strange little places are build upon clouds and could easily carry you away and trap you for a long while if you didn't get off in time. The countries could be anything from scary and dark to fun, games and icecream and would appear at the top of the tree at random. Just like my thoughts. In order to check out what country had landed you could climb up the ladder and stick your head through the cloud. If it was a scary place you wouldn't want to go there.

Since random thoughts play out like programs on holodecks (or countries on top of trees) that can loop if you don't "get off it" (carry you away and trapp you - in anxiety or depression, or indeed happyness) maybe it would be wise in the future not to jump in feet first when those thoughts start spinning round my head. Maybe I can find a way to stop myself and decide whether I want to visit or not and press the stop button in time if I download a virus by accident. And maybe then I will finally have the time and focus to read the Magic Faraway Tree again.